Journal Entry 3/05/2020
Of all the days spent in isolation, Sundays are the hardest. They’re the loneliest and they are the days I am most aware of what this season has cost us. To preface, I’m in a bad mood today. I’m sad. The kind of sad that has me waking up with a headache but doesn’t see me cry. I miss my friends, I miss my church, I miss café breakfasts, I wish I had a dog, I wish my house wasn’t so cold. But above it all, I want God to hold me and stroke my hair and tell me I don’t have to run today because I ate carbs last night, that I don’t have to be cheerful if I can’t conjure it today. That the washing can stay on the line and those texts can remain unanswered. There is a place where it is just Him and me.
In this place, ‘to-dos’ aren’t allowed and ‘should-haves’ aren’t welcome. Instead we just rest. Sometimes we walk if we feel like it. But often we’ll just sit under a big tree, or near a quiet beach and talk. He’ll hum, sometimes I’ll cry. Sometimes we’ll just be in total silence. Then he reaches behind him and produces a gift. It’s small and covered in brown paper, a dainty ribbon and pretty golden flowers. “This is for you, my beloved.”
As I pry open the corners of paper, I feel something tug at the corners of my spirit. As I unravel a ribbon, I feel things wriggle and move in my heart. It’s subtle and painless at first, but opening the gift begins to shift things inside me in ways that are so profound and distracting that I lose sight of what’s in my hands. My eyes squint and refocus as God awakens them (Ephesians 5:14). I gasp as my chest fills with lightness and ease, everything heavy and ill-fitting rolls off my shoulders (Matthew 11:28). The fog that clouded my thoughts lifts. I feel a new, more tangible pressure where my head ached – raising my hand to my temple, I realise I’m now wearing an ornate crown, beautifully intricate and incredibly regal (Romans 8:17).
I look wide-eyed at my Giver God. He smiles and shrugs and leans close to whisper,
My grace is sufficient for you. And my power is made perfect in your weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9) (paraphrased)
Prayer: Giver God, we thank you that your mercies are new every morning. We thank you that you are more than enough for us. Strengthen us as we hunger for connection, company, and communion. Teach us to long for you alone. Your love truly satisfies. Amen.