Read Psalm 139:6–12
Journal Entry 12 November 2019
Jesus, how much longer am I going to feel tepid and unmoved? It makes me shameful when I can’t muster the motivation to wriggle close to you, to lay my head in your lap and sob to You. I’m fearful of the hard heart-work of pruning and probing and growth that will no doubt take place when I finally crawl begrudgingly toward You. I just need a break from the challenges and the growth-spurts. Just a minute to catch my breath. I’m sore. I’m tired. Let me do nothing. Not forever, but for a moment. I need to rest.
But Father I’ve run to a dark place in the back of a deep wardrobe where I’m hidden, I rock myself back and forward. Surely, I’ll be safe here. Surely, I can rest here. No one will come looking, no one will ask of me. This is what I want.
Oh, but Father! This is not what I wanted! Here in this place, I am completely alone with my cruellest thoughts. I waste away without nourishment and sunlight. I feel like I’ve been awake for months; this is not rest. The darkness I yearned for is no longer safe, but scary. I feel unseen and forgotten.
With my croaky voice, hoarse from underuse – I whisper for help.
The wardrobe doors swing wide! Light spills in from every direction! I see now that this place was in fact very small. Strong hands find me and gently pull me towards the light—no! Not the light Lord, I’m not ready! I squeeze my eyes closed.
When I open them again, I’m in a warm, bright place. The harsh, brilliant light is dimmed. I realise I’m in an embrace, hidden in the crook of my Father’s neck. I feel his heartbeat, hear his voice echo and bounce against my cheek. He strokes my hair and sings over me. I am held. I am safe. I am resting. This is what I want.
“Stay for as long as you need, little one,” he whispers kindly.
Here in the place I avoided and ran from there is no great work to be done, no to-do list, no fear and no expectation. Here I am deeply rested. He nurses me with love-songs and promises. His heartbeat is stuck in my head now.
Soon, there will come a day when I re-join those in the dazzling, brilliant light I can feel them dance and move around me even as I nuzzle closer to my Father – but I feel no urgency. I hear him say the words he told me years ago: “It’s okay just to seek my Father heart. It’s the most important thing.”
Prayer: Father, you are patient with my humanity. Thankyou. You care deeply about the state of my heart. Thankyou. There is nowhere I can go that your love will not find. Remind me of what is important Lord. Only you. Always only you. You are not a slavedriver. You are compassion personified. I’m done hiding, I don’t want to rest away from you, I don’t need to avoid you. You don’t want my work. You want my heart. You will restore me to wholeness. You revive my soul. Thank you, sweet Jesus. Amen.